I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
