I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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