i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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