Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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