Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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