So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
