I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
