i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
