i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
