Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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