The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
