i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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