the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
