So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
