I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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