you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
