Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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