I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
