If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
