In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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