My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
FUCK WHALES
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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