I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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