there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
