I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
