My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
