I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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