i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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