Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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