So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
