My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
