His hands were made for my vagina.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
