I have demons in me.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
