I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
