please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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