Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
