I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
