this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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