I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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