I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
