I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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