in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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