your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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