Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Randomize
