How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
