I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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