sarcasm needs its own font
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
