he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
