so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
