I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
