For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
