In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
