I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
