I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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