I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
