there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
do nipples grow back?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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